The Cycle of Existentialism

(I want to forewarn you that this blog is going to be much darker than my usual ones.)

I've had odd amounts of experience with suicide. I recently wrote an essay recounting the two most impacting deaths on my life. Suicide has been something I've never been able to wrap my mind around, why do people do it? What is the final straw that causes them to lose that last strand of hope? If one person would have said something, could it have been prevented?

I've never been an extremely depressed person, never wanted to take my own life or even physically harm myself, but as I grow older and I am exposed to more and more of the world, I think I've begun to unfold an understanding as to why.

I used to hold onto the lie that "it always gets better." You can argue that certain situations get better, but I am going to argue that they just "get different." When you're young, people always tell you not to worry because you have your whole life ahead of you. I'd say that's plenty reason to worry. Life is terrible.

Life is one constant cycle of joy, disappointment, success, failure, miracles, grief, happiness, suffering. It's exhausting. All we want is to just be happy. Or for everything good to just last. And it never does.

Yes, I have always dreamed about getting married, having children, being in a career I enjoy, traveling the world, etc. We all have our own dreams, and when we do finally get them, they're never satisfying or usually anything like we dreamed them to be. Do I ever wish that cancer would've claimed my life when I was five? No, I can't quite say that, but I can say that I understand how missing out on a lot of the things I've witnessed or experienced would seem much better. To just not have to worry about the constant cycle of happiness and heartbreak.

There's been a link floating around on Facebook recently; it's about a man that takes pictures of his wife from the day she's diagnosed with cancer until the day she dies. She was diagnosed only five months after they were married. I've never lost anyone close to me, and I have no idea who this guy is, but I can't help but feel a huge part of his pain to lose someone he loves so quickly. It infuriates me.

There are stories after stories about parents losing children, young women losing their fiancees, men losing their wives, siblings losing siblings, children losing parents. It's unbearable and we have to constantly watch it happen day after day without being able to do anything to prevent it.

I believe that most tragedies, deaths, seasons of struggle are usually consequences of sin and evil in the world, both directly and indirectly. But now I've started to delve deeper. If we believe that God is light, life, and goodness, and that he created all things, then where did evil come from? It couldn't just come into being without God knowing. God had to have created it.

And if God is love and He loves us unconditionally, then why create evil? Why make his loved ones suffer?

It is believed that you cannot force someone to love you, so God can't force us to love him. But that doesn't make sense, because God doesn't have limitations. So, if he created all this just to have a select few choose to love him, doesn't that seem like a really grand waste of time? Why not just continue to hangout with angels or make a universe strictly of kittens and puppies that never grow up?

I don't want to live my life in blind faith. But maybe that's my problem. That's what got Adam and Eve into trouble in the beginning, that's what started this whole mess. Maybe it's not something I'm supposed to know. Maybe if I did understand life would be so much harder than it already is.

Now, don't think that I believe in Christ any less because I wrestle with these questions all the time, or that you're any less of a follower because you have questions. Read Ecclesiastes. The wisest man in the entire world had a lot of the same longing for answers as we do.

I don't have any specific advise or encouragement to leave you with today. But I do know that there are a lot things my parents didn't tell me until I was older for my protection. I'm hoping this is the same case.

But God tells us to seek and we will find.

So, while the questions are daunting, life is truly heartbreaking so much of the time, and we grow more and more weary, keep seeking. One day we will find.