Monday, September 21, 2015

The Five First World Problems of Fall

The temperature is dropping, school is in session once again, and every is walking around in infinity scarfs with steaming lattes in hand. The Autumnal Equinox is upon us, and if you're living in the first world, this brings upon five specific problems.

We'll start with the most difficult obstacle to overcome during the Fall season. There's 20,000 pumpkin flavored everythings everywhere. Channel your inner bubba-gump and start listing:

Pumpkin latte. Pumpkin scone. Pumpkin pie. Pumpkin cheesecake. Pumpkin fudge. Pumpkin Spice Kahlua. Pumpkin shirt. Pumpkin car. Looks down and sees skin turning orange like a Pumpkin Beauregard.

But before you roll your eyes, don't try to deny that all of it is delicious and the real struggle here is finding the best pumpkin latte.

*hint* - It's not at Starbucks.

2. Sweater Weather. Not like the Neighbourhood's song.
The first leaf falls and all of us are scrambling to get the slew of cardigans out of the closet, but the issue is that it's still 98 degrees outside. (Give me just one night of non-sweltering heat, Fall baby, because my sweater game is so strong.)

If you live in the South, specifically the Carolinas, you can guarantee about 18 weeks of Summer, 2 weeks of Autumn, and 18 weeks of Winter.

Spending a lovely Saturday downtown at the farmer's market?

We're expecting a forecast of 45% chance Summer-clad shorts and crop tops, 45% Goodwill flannel and combat boots, and 10% of the usual population that dresses themselves from the clean clothes in their floor.

3. Apple Picking. yayayay!
The perfect fall activity - what could possibly go wrong? Well, lots of things.

If you wait to go during the two weeks of fall weather, all of the apples are long gone. If you go pre-fall weather, you're sweating your face off in all of your oh-so-perfect-apple-orchard-matching-Scotch-tape-flannel-flawless-facebook-couple photos.

This one has an easy fix.

You say screw the apples, they sell those at the supermarket. Screw the cutesy-couple photos, you look exactly like everyone else.

Do go buy apple cider donuts because that's what really matters here.

4. Hans Solo Season
Black Puffy Vest. White Button Down. Jeans. Tan Riding Boots. Probably pearl studded earrings and a monogram in the middle of the back window of their Ford Escape.

Don't buy any death sticks or make the choice to consciously dress like a fall pinterest pin-up.

The issue? There's so many of you, people are having panic attacks b/c they think the world is being taken over by Vineyard Vines clones.

5. Football Fanatics
Don't get me wrong, ya girl loves football. (yeaaaaaaaaaaah Georgia!)

What I don't love is the tacky, flag-flying, jacked up SUVs that are driven by people that have clearly never yielded to a traffic law in their lifetime. I'm sorry, did you want a parking space? I'll take three.

If you aren't driving recklessly for the namesake of your team, then you're probably speaking recklessly for them. I can appreciate some playful banter, but do not pull against my team just for the sake of "keeping it interesting."

More importantly, don't quote statistics at me from 20 years ago. There's this thing called the here and now, welcome to it.

Fall is typically everyone's favorite season, All the craft beers come out from the woodwork, you can smell campfires burning 5 out of 7 days of the week, and no one can deny that mild weather is the best weather. But as every rose has its thorns, every Fall has it's onslaught of ugg boots.

~Make Good Choices~


  1. Enjoyed and all so true. Pumpkin air.

  2. Girl. I'm doing real pumpkin spice creamer on the blog this week. When I stop napping on the couch. #betterthanstarbucks

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