Monday, April 27, 2015

Escalator Etiquette

As of late, I've been visiting my close friends that all happen to work at haywood mall. In trolling around the mall on a slow week night and during the weekend rush hour, I'm bewildered to discover that the Greenville society is in need of some very important pointers on how to escalator. (We all know there's no hope for teaching people to walk in an orderly fashion while shopping, but maybe we can still save this.)

Rule 1: There is at least a 2 stair minimum between parties on the escalator. This is very important for many reasons. For example, should a poor soul get their ripped, boot cut designer jeans caught in the teeth of the escalator, the passenger behind said boot cut mall patron will need time to react or else he might be facing a lawsuit for (unintentionally) "getting fresh." 

The two step minimum is also a safe flatulance barrier. Either way, you are gliding straight into the wind, my friend. Be sure to give it some time and space to disperse. 

This goes hand in hand with a safe fainting radius. If the party in front of you is temporary blinded by their lack of adherence to the flatulance barrier, they might be hit with a strong sense of vertigo and proceed to topple backwards. If you are standing too close, you may as well be toppled over, causing a chain reaction of escalator riders to be toppled over, thus causing an endless cycle of people moving against the direction of the escalator, and thus causing a black hole within the mall. 

Pointer 1: When using an escalator as a form of transportation, it is best that you remain facing forward or have eye contact with your riding party. If you lean on the moving handrail with body, face, and projected vision facing the mall patrons walking toward you, it is likely you will glide into awkward eye contact that awkwardly unlocks the depths of a person's soul. If this proves a challenge, at least try moving your neck every 6 seconds. 

Rule 2: Do not walk more steps up or down the escalator as it is moving. This is an insult to the escalator. It is going as fast as it can. And by no means should you ever squeeze by someone on the escalator unless it is an emergency. Not only are you breaching rule #1, but you are causing a very dangerous situation in which a rider might be tipped off the escalator to their deaths. If you're such an eager beaver, hike your ass up the stairs next time. 

Pointer 2: Parents and guardians, please do not let your child put his or her face/mouth/tongue on any part of the escalator. It's not cute. Also, keep said small human on the same step as you, or one in front, seeing as how most still-growing humans have yet learned rule #2 of the escalator. 

Rule 3: No PDA on the escalator. The mall is not a place for dating. It is for spending unwise amounts of money on clothes for when you are on a real date. If you are not planning on spending money, dropping off a coffee for your friend that works at the mall, or walking the mall for fitness purposes, do not be at the mall. Particularly on the escalator. The escalator is for patrons with bags and tired feet. They are serious shoppers and are not interested in how much ass you can fit in your hand when it is at eye level. 

Pointer 3: While riding an escalator, do not look up at the person standing in front of you. It is the most wise to check your phone for texts, engage in polite conversation with your shopping partner, or stare down at the stairs for the length of the ride to make sure your ragged boot cut jeans do not catch in landing of the escalator. 

Random pointer: While on or near an escalator, do not recall the mall scene of the first final destination. If you have not seen the movie, disregard this pointer. 

So during your next visit to the mall, please remember these pointers and kindly adhere to the rules of the escalator. When in doubt, please take the stairs, it's better for your health. 

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