Playing Field

When it is time to hit the playing field again, there are five specific girls any possible ladies’ man needs to keep an eye out for. Indecisive Irene will spend more time getting to know the dessert menu than her actual date. High Maintenance Hannah loves her Pomeranian pooch more than her future hubby. Manly Martha is always up for burping contests and arm wrestling competitions; be sure to preorder tickets for “The Gun Show” ahead of time. Flaky Fiona takes longer to comprehend a joke than the Earth takes to complete a full revolution around the Sun. Shallow Samantha knows every guy in town (and then some.) When faced with these options, the single life proves the best possible choice.

Indecisive Irene may be the charming girl next door, but when it comes time for a decision-making dinner and a movie, prepare to rent, because time is of no essence. A meal completely planned out from the plastic silverware down to the off-brand ketchup used because the attempted grilled cheeses turned out to be charred catastrophes would be ideal. If a casual lunch date is decided on, there is a brilliant chance the lunch specials will be bypassed after a laborious weighing of each option, to finally decide on a glass of water because the entire decision making process ruined her appetite. Make the decision for the sake of time that the first and last dates are one in the same.  

The clickety-clack of High Maintenance Hannah’s patent leather pumps on the ground issues warning from miles away.  Sporting peroxide blonde hair, French-tipped nails, a dog the size of a large rat in her Louis Vuitton handbag, and sunglasses twice the size of the dog, Hannah is one hard girl to miss. She may look good now, but Malibu Barbie will hit Menopause Mandy far sooner than expected. Personality is certainly more important than looks, but High Maintenance Hannah loves the mirror more than the man.

Prepare to be out-gunned, out-played, and out-manned by Manly Martha. Although the Manly Martha’s of the world have lovely physiques and are talented athletes, they might make Mother’s smile a little tighter with each meeting.  It seems most guys’ dream girl loves sports, or at least makes an effort to fake enthusiasm by yelling touch down when Derek Jeter hits a home run. Sometimes there is an equal  balance of feminine and athletic in the gene pool, but do not be surprised when the whole restaurant stares thanks to Martha’s colorful language directed at the Clemson game on the TV mounted above the bar. Manly Martha is a first pick when it comes to a backyard football game, but fourth string when it comes to the game of love.

Needing an ego boost? How about someone that thinks every one-liner in the world is funny?  If that turns out to be the case, a relationship with Flaky Fiona is a match made in heaven. Flaky Fiona may also go under the alias of “Head Cheerleader;" allow room for toe touches and random cheering for the joggers that pass by on a romantic walk around the lake. Fiona may prove sweet and innocent, but one could have a better conversation with a brick wall than this girl. If substance and maturity are personality traits desired, keep looking. 

Finally, stands Shallow Samantha, known throughout ten counties in four different states. Shallow Samantha eats young boys’ hearts for breakfast and their souls for dinner, leaving them as disoriented and emotionally distraught as a puppy in a neck cone. If attention is a constant craving, Samantha will not be the one to bestow it upon anyone but herself (and that really good-looking guy that is standing in the rightfully titled “check-out line.”) Kick this girl to the curb and avoid being played by the player.

Someone once said that love is pain; or maybe it was beauty. Regardless, after weeding out all of the dandelions called Flaky Fiona and Indecisive Irene, one can bask in the glory of the day he finds his Soul Mate Susie.