Thursday, September 19, 2013

Top Ten Christian Pick-up Lines

So, my last post was giving a bit of advice on how to have a successful relationship, but don't think that I've forgotten about all you sweet single people. So, let me use this time to assist you in getting that special someone by breaking down the top ten Christian pick-up lines (working from slightly effective to gets-them-every-time.)

10.  Look, you're nearly 22. Most Christians are into their third year of marriage by now, just settle for me. Honesty is the best policy, so they say. If you're looking for a straight-forward, I-don't-want-to-be-celibate approach, this is your ticket. Hey, some girls dig desperation.

9. You. Me. Song of Songs: the remix.  Yeah, don't worry, this line totally comes off as cool. Think hipster-poetic.

8. Hey girl, modest is hottest, and you are on fire. Because freshmen girls pick out their outfits the night before and still change ten times before going to class. But be warned, they'll be writing your last name all over their contemporary math notebooks the minute you say hello.

7. Do you need prayer? Because I am willing to lay my hands on you. For the slightly more aggressive prayer warrior. It shows that you're kind enough to remember them in prayer, but maybe a little on the touchy-feely side.

6. Hey girl, I heard Jesus called you. Mind if I do, too? A simple, classy southern baptist gentleman style pick-up line. You'll have them swooning like they do in awe of the Spirit in no time.

5. I want to hold you ... accountable. Suspenseful. Tactful. Concerned. Not only do you hint at your physical attraction, but also the desire to call them out on their stupid, ugly, repulsive sin on a regular basis. :)

4. Are you a sloppy wet or unforeseen kiss kinda girl? Oh, one of my all time faves. For the worship leader in you. This question has a lot of theology riding on it, so you can easily determine if she's marriage material. Hopefully she'll answer unforeseen. None of this sloppy wet business. Bestiality is a sin.

3. I was reading in the book of Numbers the other day and I realized I don't have yours. Classic. This one shows you're both attentive to the Word and the world around you. Not to mention, if you're studying one of the most boring books of the Bible, you must be the real deal.

2. I just don't feel like god wants me to date right now. Challenge accepted. You don't want a girlfriend, you get a girlfriend. Flip it around and you have your classic David and Bathsheba act. Guy wants girl. Guy can't have girl. Guy murders girl's husband and takes her anyway.

1. I just feel called to be a really good husband and father someday. Guys, it works every time. Dangle the dual marriage-family carrot in front of a lady and she's hooked for life. Even if she doesn't know it yet, that's the only reason she went to a Christian college in the first place.

Now that you've got a solid foundation, here are some pick-up lines I highly recommend avoiding (and some potential responses if you use them):

10. Hi, my name's Will, God's Will.  First of all, this only works if your name is Will. While I'm a sucker for a really poor pun, this is pushing it.

9. You are perfect, except with all the sin. This is gonna get you a glass of communion wine to the face. You were warned.

8. I went on a beach mission but all I ended up doing was mission you. Not only did you fail at making fishers of men, but this is just way too cheesy. 

7. If you say no, I will rip out my hair and my beard. Cool it, Ezekiel. Ladies aren't into guys with crazy eyes. But they do like the wilderness-locust-and-honey look. So keep that going for ya.

6. I believe one of my ribs belongs to you. God never asked me if I wanted your stupid rib. Go away.

5. How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me? I'm a human being, not a city full of palm trees and I just so happen to hate trumpets.

4. You are so unblemished that I would sacrifice you.  Awh, how sweet, and terrifying.

3. I know its absurd, but every time I walk towards you, it feels like I'm being lead to Bethlehem. This is not a Roman census; I don't care to know anything about you or where you were born.

2. I just don't feel called to celibacy. Well, yippy-skippy for you.

1. You make me want to be a better Christian. And that's what they all say.

To wrap everything up, here is a 100% authentically Aly Christian pick-up line (that I am super proud of, so don't flood my earth):

  • Did God give you the spiritual gift of tongues? Because you are speaking my language.  
If you think I've left out any of the good ones (or bad ones) hit the comment box below!

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