Monday, March 25, 2013

How to Hipster

Seen as mall inhabitants and coffee house dwellers, society welcomes the untrendy, overrated rebellion of the new societal clique: the Hipsters. For those merely observing, Hipsters may seem nothing more than grungy adolescents with a mismatch-y style and funny-looking haircuts, but being a hipster takes plenty of preparation and work. 

 Before you can be a successful hipster, you must have the ability to be identified as such strictly from the physical. The clothing style of hipsters has no definite line between male and female; skirts are few and far between, but when worn, they should be long, flowing, and worn only by women. A hipster’s pants must always be skinny regardless of weight class, body-type, or season. Cuffing the bottom to really utilize the straight fit is always a nice touch. Flares are out of the question. Those are for hippies

The shirts are limited to four options: a plain v-neck, tie-dye, plaid flannel, or plain denim. Flannel is an annually worn material; hipsters only get hot if they’re arguing with someone about hairspray killing the ozone layers. When picking out the proper flannel, just keep in mind this simple saying, “If a lumberjack won’t wear it, neither will I.” If you really want to be a top notch hipster, pair a lightly tie-dyed shirt under the flannel to confirm that society’s normal standards of putting together an outfit have no restraint on you.

To accessorize, only five categories of shoes are allowed: Vans, Toms, fancy Oxfords or Loafers, and fashionable combat boots. The key to a hipster shoe is wearing something far too dressy for the rest of the outfit. The shinier and more expensive looking the shoe the better. Heels are never ever an option, ever. Way too many women wear them to look “nice;” if hipsters wanted to look nice, they wouldn’t dress like they’d be sporting a red axe and blue ox. 

 Hats are an optional accessory for the Hipster, but always classy. When wearing a hat, choose from a slouchy beanie, a Dublin Bowler, or some form of a paper-straw Fedora. All three are interchangeable with any outfit. On the other hand, a mandatory accessory for the hipster is glasses, and there is only one type allowed: big black horn-rimmed frames that give absolutely no aide in sight whatsoever. Sunglasses must follow the same guidelines. As for jewelry, there needs to be something made out of hemp on the body. The wrists should be covered in bracelets, preferably made out of natural elements like turquoise, amethyst, or leather, because Mother Earth is awesome.

 For physical attributes with the ability to be modified, hipster hair has three options for both men and women: dreadlocks, long and wavy, or short and shaved in places that don’t make sense. Keeping your natural hair color is a good idea; funky colors are for Punks and Goths. Clip in feathers can be worn to make up the difference, but be careful, that can cross easily into Hippie territory.

Now that all of the appearance bases are covered, you must learn how to act properly. First and foremost, a hipster must be a tea or coffee connoisseur. Since one of the Hipster’s favorite dwelling places is a hole-in-the-wall coffee bar, it is important to know more about coffee and tea than everyone else. Knowledge about things no one really cares about is the Hipster’s greatest tool; it allows you to be rebellious without actually having to rebel. Take care to eat only healthy and organic things, most of which taste awful. Hummus is the number one Hipster food because it tastes somewhat good, and the action of eating it draws attention to the thousands of Boho bracelets that peek out from under your flannel shirt.

Unfortunately enough, most if not all Hipsters smoke something, be it a pipe, cigarettes, or “natural substances.” Hipsters love to be contradictory by showing their love for the earth, yet giving a crap less about their lungs (or brain cells in the third case). Because I’m into full disclosure, the third option is included, but by no means condoned, because being a successful hipster means not going to jail. As for the first two options, smoking a pipe exemplifies the image of maturity and wisdom, while cigarettes just add to the rebellious, “I’m so stressed out from trying to be a successful Hipster that I must smoke something” air. If the kid with dreads in the flannel shirt at the coffee bar smells strongly of Patchouli leaves, you’ll know he went with the illegal alternative.

A very important rule when becoming a Hipster is to hate everything mainstream. All celebrities are sell-outs. The government is run on conspiracies. Wal-Mart is the spawn of Satan, yada yada. So during free time, seek out (with a vengeance) and listen to only underground music. The proper answer structure when asked “What type of music do you like?” would be, “I like (the band’s name), they’re really good, but you’ve probably never heard of them.” Most of these bands have little to no musical talent, a universal truth known even by the best of Hipsters but just pretend they are, indeed, very talented; eventually you will convince yourself of it. As for movies, watch only documentaries and very outdated films the majority of society has never heard of. Although Audrey Hepburn was an incredibly famous actress, she doesn’t count as a sell-out because she took her pet deer with her while grocery shopping. She is the Madonna of all Hipster women.

The Hipster lifestyle transfers into the workplace as well, with one main rule: either have an artsy job, or don’t have one at all. If the atmosphere of your workplace is decorated with dim lighting, oversized rainbow mushrooms, or mustaches and vintage furniture, you’re in the right place. The job itself may not be artsy, like waitressing or bar-tending, but as long as you work in an environment where dreadlocks, nose rings, and the freedom to dress as you like reign supreme, the Hipster aura won’t be tarnished. When making coffee is involved in the job description, look no further, you've struck Hipster gold.

Many times, Hipsters will hang out at their workplace after a shift, or mosey over to a coffee bar. When doing so, be sure to bring the bag of things that a Hipster shouldn't be able to afford; specifically, an iPhone, iPad, Mac book, or a Canon camera. Owning one, if not all of the above is crucial to the judgment of Hipster character. These items are major assets to the constant editing and publication of your Hipster blog on the aforementioned underground bands and documentaries. The blog itself is the place to post all the ranting and ravings about what’s wrong with society. For example, why does all of the popular music sound like one long dance song? Or how can anyone in this world not love coffee? You know, life’s most difficult questions.

Finally, Hipsters only have Hipster friends. Mainly, this is because no normal human being would care to talk so deeply about coffee or an Alfred Hitchcock movie. Plus, no one can quite “get” you like a fellow thrift store addict. So, it is important to keep all of your keys attached to a carabiner, and the carabiner attached to any of your belt loops. This serves two purposes: one, to draw attention to your hipster self as you strut the streets of downtown on the way to the coffee shop, and two, to allow yourself easy location of your Hipster friends. The jingle of the keys act as a small cow bell of sorts, sending out an S.O.S. when your irrelevantly designed coffee mug has run dry.  

Now you have the basic knowledge and direction to pursue your hipster dreams, so grab your plaid shirt of economic justice, your useless black glasses of truth, your fancy shoes of social liberation, and a hand-made coffee mug to quench your eclectic thirst along the way. Get ready, get set, go Hipster.


  1. Oh my gosh- that was fantastic!!! Especially the parts about hummus and Audrey Hepburn!

  2. Once again, I love this and realize that I am not a hipster, but at least I know how to become one! Great job:)